Friday evening:
In the exquisitely refurbished Solar Powered Bees Bus, Buzz-ette - our newly promoted psychologist and sleep therapist - has her nose stuck into Sigmund Freud's: "The Interpretation of Dreams" (Ladybird Illustrated Edition). She takes out a pencil and scribbles down various notes.
After what seems a lifetime Buzz-Bee steers the bus onto the forecourt of the Premier Inn. The air brakes hiss and the doors slide open. Dean shakes our boys awake and they stumble into the building. Buzz-ette gives them instructions to write down all of their dreams the moment they awake. She hands out individually identified little plastic sleeves with forms within and the tired little munchkins head up the wooden hills to befordshire.
Saturday 7.30 am
Buzz-Bee goes from room to room and collects the dream reports. On the way down in the lift he drops them and they go all over the place. He picks them up them but critically puts half of them back in the wrong sleeves. He says nothing and in the breakfast room passes them to Buzz-ette, along with one of his own.
Saturday 8.30 am
After breakfast, Buzz-ette sets to and goes through all of the texts. Her intention is to find each one's motivational sweet spot. Some of it makes fairly raunchy reading, to say the least. On the last sheet she reads, Buzz-Bee has used the opportunity to fully explain the depth of feeling he has for Buzz-ette. As she reads it she blushes from her forewings to her antennae, her own emotional attachment to Buzz-Bee rushes to the surface of her consciousness. Her eyes, and other parts of her anatomy, moisten involuntarily.
Buzz-ette decides to hypnotise the lads in advance one by one before giving each of them their specific therapeutic inducements just before the match. As most of the lads are, intellectually speaking, fairly blank canvasses, she estimates that this will be less than time consuming. This indeed proves to be the case and by 10.30 the job's done and she and Buzz-Bee are locked in an embrace on a bench in the rose garden; snogging like teenagers. They can hardly keep their hands off each other.
Saturday 2.00 pm
The lads sit in the dressing room with glassy eyed, vacant expressions (no change there then), unaware of their own hypnotic states. Buzz-ette moves from one to another, giving each of them the specific word that will draw from within them hidden depths of skill and artistry. Disastrously, due to Buzz-Bee's clumsiness, she gets everything wrong and each player gets someone else's keyword. They haven't got a clue what they're supposed to be doing. Bentley now thinks he's the world's best striker, Mepham is under the impression he's Stanley Matthews. It's the same for each of them. Buzz-ette's plan is going disastrously wrong.
Saturday 3.00 pm
The Brown and Orange Army run out and all go to the wrong positions, Bentley's in the centre circle, Watkins is in goal, Forss is playing left back. FFS! Dean and the rest of the staff don't know what's happened.
By half time we're 2-0 down and playing like idiots. In the dressing rooms Thomas Frank finds the dream reports and spots immediately the error. There's no mistaking Sawyers' spidery scrawl, and yet he has been given Barbet's keyword. The same holds true for each of them, Buzz-Bee's foolishness is exposed. Rasmus sends Betinho off looking for Buzz-ette; he's livid. After looking all over, Betty eventually finds her and Buzz-Bee inflagrante delicto on the back seat of the bus.
He diverts his gaze before speaking" "Hey Mees Buzz-ette, Meester Rasmus he really mad wit you. He tell me fine you, tell you get your arse back to the dressing room pronto, the lads is all messed up 'cos of you sheet dream ting". A highly embarrassed Buzz-ette puts her drawers back on, adjusts her miniskirt and tears back to the confused lads.
It takes only seconds for her to make the boys fully sentient (we use the term loosely in some cases.) She glares in anger and disbelief at Buzz-Bee. Why didn't he say anything? What a cock up.
Saturday 4.00pm
In the second half we return to planet Brentford and Forss gets a brace on his debut. Without Maupay, the responsibility of a last minute penalty falls to Sawyers. - BOOM - No worries.
Full Time:
Them: 2 - Us: 3
Phew!
On the way back Dahn Souf, Buzz-ette gets demoted back to girl mascot and she chucks Buzz-Bee after only one stolen moment of bliss. His antennae droop and he spends the return journey staring out at the infinite blackness.